dancing on the seventh street;

Monday, July 04, 2005
3:02 AM

im gonna say my piece and get outta sight.
how you people are gonna take this, the point is i dont care. i dont care anymore.
talk behind my back, say whatever you want about me, its not as if you guys knew who i was anyway. didnt bothered. i cant say i bothered to or tried to know who you all were, but dont pretend you guys made the effort and it ws futile. im tired of even trying anymore.
this whole episode, made me realise i was wasting my life away, doing things im not even sure i wanted to do them or rather i had to do them.
giving in was supposed to be a gesture of friendship, but i doubt it was ever returned.
i repeat, these are my thoughts, you have the right not to agree with me, for once im gonna say what i think.
im not trying to say im not in the wrong, but i just didnt expect it to be that big a deal since its not him that you want.
maybe you say im trying to act as if i have been selfless all the while, but i feel that this whole friendship, ive given in enough. maybe what i sacrificed are not apparent enough, but i can say i did give in alot, but i guess i dont get anything in return. all i get was lies just to cover up another lie. you acting up a whole episode jus to bluff us through what was going on in your life. and you not giving any explanations when you ran off with your other half at that point of time, and now im surprised you're asking me why am i doing this. WHO WAS EXACTLY THEMSELVES?!actually what am i doing i dont know. life has been tough on her, yes that i know. but does that mean life has NOT been tough for everybody? but we all dont get each other concerns isnt it? dont answer. jus think about it. which one of the four of us can say that we had three other friends'support when we were down? which of us can say that we could always say how we feel and not think about the after-math, afraid that someone will get angry or pissed and the friendship will end. if you can say you do, hurray, good for you, but im gonna tell you my answer has and will be a definite no. the four of us, who had been true to this friendship of ours? we jus had to hang in there, pretended we care, say things we should say, do things we should do, just to what? maybe like have a clique of friends when we graduate. i can give you evidence why my answer is a no. this whole episdoe, did anyone bother to ask my side of the story? maybe i had a reason. maybe i didnt. if i told you i started this out with pure good intentions trying to make someone happier if i succeeded, would you believe me? if i said i really didnt see this coming would you believe me? but noone bothered to ask, but only start pointing fingers at me. to her, its a form of betrayal. but to me, its like gaining of freedom, im sorry if this hurt you but the point is im as hurt as you to realise that these years and months of friendship has already come to nothing. at least thats what it is to me. my point to NOT to take everything from you. who said i ever want that. now you still have friends right, friends who dote on you, friends who say they will be there for you no matter what, and i dont need what you need. i can tell you within this yr or since forever, my life hasnt been so smooth sailing as well, so please do not assume this is easy on me as well. i dont care if writing this entry means you guys are gonna forsake me, my lifes gonna be even harder, so be it. maybe if you sat back and think through it, at least i bothered to tell the truth to you personally. okay not exactly personally but i wrote a letter and not leave things to slowly unveil. that was the least i could do. maybe in your eyes im bullshitting. but again this is how i feel. my feelings cant be controlled. i guess neither can yours be. so what was i supposed to do? keep quiet about the whole thing, keep my feelings hidden from the whole darn world, only to let you realise the truth like some time later? i chose the other way. i know you're hurt. thinking about why did i so-called betray you and stuffs like that but is there any choice for me as well? all you guys' entries are filled with yourselves and how YOU are hurt, at a disadvantage, how tough life has been for YOU, how long YOU will have to take to recover. ill do the same.. im gonna be selfish and this entry is gonna be about me. you said shes a strong girl and i made her cry. i think there are other factors leading to those tears. and please do not assume i dont have them. to declare, since the damage is done, i DID NOT manipulate others against you. believe it or not. this is the very first time im telling myside of the story and i dont care if youve got everyone on your side. its enough for you and maybe its enough for me as well. for once im telling you, i have been putting up a fake front in front of all of you so much so that i dont even know who am i myself now, does that give you the satisfaction? or is it the same for your case, being someone you should be in school and in front of your so-called friends and then being a teary-eyed fellow at home, with nobody you can really talk to. if that is your case too, i say join the club. maybe you guys were meant to be, without me. ill tell you one sad truth, ask me why i chose to not hide behind the walls and hide my feelings inside of me, ill tell you. its cause i realise whats the point, ive already been hiding for so long, whats the point of continuing and make my life only much more unbearable. whats the use of making sacrifices when there is a voice nagging behind my head that it will not be worth it. i dont know if this other r/s is gonna work, at least i get to be myself. im sorry if you call this being selfish, but for once, let me be myself. if you still think life has been really tough on you, stop being naive. its already a blessing you get to eat your three meals and have a roof over youhead. im not saying that my life is the toughest or whatsoever, but at least now i can make my life better by just being myself and not hide myself behind those detestable masks.
hold little faith, though thou hast much to fear.
this is gonna be a new start for me, i hope it will be a new one and have upcoming fulfilling months for you. i guess its late that i realise all these about myself but im just relieved that its not too late.
now i leave, say whatever you want about me, i feel i have done enough. now, im gonna have my life back. best wishes in yours too.

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NO;idontcryontheoutside;
ANYMORE.

Friday, July 01, 2005
5:52 AM

~~call me a bitch.~~

im sorry.

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NO;idontcryontheoutside;
ANYMORE.

Friday, June 24, 2005
5:18 AM

oh my, havent blog in like how many days. ):
okay i did wanted to blog but i didnt know what to blog about.
so this might be random, okay it is gonna be random.
im not sufferring from the time lag anymore (: i officially know today is friday and yesterday was thursday and i loved OC. except tht it would better if summer and seth didnt just so-called "nose graze" ):
just came back from airport, was there to study (: and faithy is in my house! its cute lah but jus now on the bus, it kept meowing and i was SO embarrassed cause i almost made a baby ccry ):
okay time to check if faithy is not dead.
okay its still very much alive but its really very kelian! cause i cant really let it out now.
my sister is almost having an asthma attack cause of the fur ):
school's starting, i kinda complain but i kinda want it to start as well. i realise i want back that routime life where i wont have to ask myself what i shall do next but have something alr there for me to do it.
less time to think as well, its killing me.
i realise its june, exactly a year since we got close (:
okay see its random. now bye.

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NO;idontcryontheoutside;
ANYMORE.

Thursday, June 16, 2005
6:34 AM

omg i wished her sooo many times that i forget to do this.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEL! (:
mah dahling PL;lesbian partner;whiny bitch;purple-lover;fellow singapore-sale shopper; (;
hope youve had a wonderful sweet sixteen yeah!
now that youre 16 will you be sweeter? till next yr then you can be sassy but meanwhile remian S E X Y!
hahas you looked HOTHOTHOT on sunday, really, not like the poodle you think you looked like!
so many memories with you; couldnt have lived through classes and exam periods without you! thanks babe (:
LOVELOVELOVE!

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NO;idontcryontheoutside;
ANYMORE.

yeah i guess so, if we still bother to try, if we are still not afraid of failure and rejects anymore. heck all the what if-s.
ooooh i havent updated for very very long ):
AISHA! lovelove, thanks so much. yes i will smile and you will tell me what ahem's reply is! im glad youve decided not to undo your so-called risk. remember! in life, you'll never get something if you dont ask for it!
er jus went to watch derrick and zy play basketball, wenna was there also, had some small talk with her, what can i say. i made another friend (: yeah i tol dher the wrong bus stop. oops. :
okay mels party.
details details details.
so i made my way there around 2-ish, indra, sean and er his friend came, (i still cant get the names right!) hannah came, aisha came, we did the so-called stars okays fast forward to night!
mel went out for her makeip and all, i was soooo scared that smt will go wrong or ill forget to do smt, i keep telling myself to BREATHE. yes and thanks to clarinda who kept reminding me to breathe and go through everything that has to be done with me. and ken, with his darnit crappy jokes and kept offering me food! hehh thanks you two! spologies to ken, whom i kept referring to a her! LOL (: er mels sister made a big hooha later, shes so freaky! ughh we had to shoo all the other species up the second level, mainly the guys lah. yep and the cat was in the room i couldn really go in! hmph. faithy is its name (:
people who were there, hannah, indra, sean, his two friends, aisha. weiting, cherr, ben, alas, derrick, zy and co. clarinda, ken, jas, charm, shena i think thats about it? hmmm seems as if i missed out people! -shrugs. oh eli and vivo! hehh and elvis came later. only mel, elvis, me, jas, charm, shena, ken and clarinda stayed over. ill exclude the details lah! hehh.
now that ive fixed my blog, i dont know what to blog about! somethings just cant be said here, so i dont see the point.

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NO;idontcryontheoutside;
ANYMORE.

Friday, June 10, 2005
7:15 AM

DANNY; so youre using the old one? anyway do yo still think everything was a mistake? i just wanted to know that all of a sudden, its so tiring, to try to make things alright. ):
AISHA; thanks, at least there's someone who can make me smile once in a while i guess, but ah well, see you on sunday! we'll talk under the stars alright? i want to talk to you so much, not jus about me but you too!

went towning today with my sister.
i saw weiting and cherr! hahas weiting was so obviously er weiting! cause of her red bag.
walk ed around a lil bought what i wanted to wear for sunday's party, got part of mel's present and went to ps to get the other part of mel's present and wait for my mommy to have dinner and met up with mel to pass her her stuffs. so long since i last went out with my sister like that. and i shall not say why.

im trying to turn my life the other way, see i deleted all the past entries, since now there's a chance to, but i realise nothing much changed, the unfamilarity, though we've know each other since a thousand years, i guess i jus cant register the fact that things between us have came to a stage that im not in control anymore. i once thought, maybe i should jus try a lil more, hope a lil more, hang on, have a lil more faith. but none has changed isnt it? i hate it when everytime i try to let go of smt, signs tell me, maybe i shouldn. this situation i so hate, i want to move on, with you, with mel, with eli, with aisha, with all my friends and all those who truly love me but somehow i just cant? the memories are still there, but even though youre the first person that comes to my mind when im down, i know ou can never be there for me and i can never be the one to listen to you anymore. remember the times when after school days were the best? where we would jus kick our choes off, lie down and watch they skies? ive never done it with anyone after you, remember how we used to fight our way jus to sit together in class? trying to prove that it wont affect our results. all these i cant forget, someone please tell me how i should feel.

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NO;idontcryontheoutside;
ANYMORE.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005
6:26 AM

(:
i got quite a few thing done today.
got to meet you (: -grins.
got to decide on stuffs of mel's party.
did some chemistry!
and make myself so tired but i cant sleep, not till after 12. eeks but i think mel's worse. 2 plus 3?! hello my darling mel if youre reading this, someone told me to count sheeps to cure insomnia! please, you dont want those eyebags on your sweet sixteen (;
darnit, i think i am coming down with a fever, i feel so feverish! yay maybe this is gonna help me sleep.
ive got some naughty stuffs planned out for the party this sunday, you girls and guys, WATCH OUT! -evil grin.
happy happy day.
you made me feel alright;for once in my life.

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NO;idontcryontheoutside;
ANYMORE.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005
1:01 PM

okays (: now i wanna start on a clean state.
so we had three and a half hours of amath lesson yesterday! cant believe we all survived it, like hello three and a half hours of lumpy is jus unbearable, at least i did my work! (: and mel wasnt there to gossip with me i guess i pretty much registered half the things lumpy said.
lets see, i have like loads of holiday homework which i have only done a few!
~~english compre and 2 summary~~
8 sets of darn chinese.
~~4sets of amath~~
amath one and amath two
integration notes
differentiation notes
4sets of emath
8 topics of physics TYS
3sets of chem papers
1 ss essay
1 geog essay
7 lit essays!
-FAINTS. ):
and im like on the second week alr.
ughhhhh, and i havent got my stuffs for mel's pary! -POUTS.
and i havent got her present, oh my oh my.
-offtomugmugmug.

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NO;idontcryontheoutside;
ANYMORE.